The Quiet Power of Humility

Daryl Van Tongeren from Hope College started his presentation by asking us "Do we really need humility?". From his research, we currently have a narcissism epidemic in our country. When people are entrenched in a single way of seeing, it makes them lonely and isolated. Given that our nature is always pulling us toward selfishness, how do we combat this?

Dr. Van Tongeren says the way to think of humility is like Goldilocks, being just the right size. On one extreme lies arrogance and on the other lies servility. The middle allows everyone to contribute to society. People who aren't accustomed to having a voice tend to the servility end. There can be great benefits in hearing from everyone. At an interpersonal level, humility has a lot to do with restraining your ego.

There are four different areas where humility can be practiced.

Relationships - sharing praise and accepting blame are key here.
Ideas - being open, curious, teachable, and realistic are evidence of humility in this area.
Cultural - being thoughtful, learning, and respecting diversity helps in this area.
Existential - a sense of awe and smallness, knowing limits, and being grateful are attributes.

The key to developing humility is psychological security so you don't need the approval of your culture. To see how you are doing, you can ask someone who knows you well "How humble am I?". You should work to reduce your defensiveness (Is the other person right?) and build empathy.

Myths of Humility

Humble people lack conviction.
Humility is being wishy-washy.
Humility is the same as servility.
There are no costs to being humble.

Pitfalls of Not Being Humble

Everything becomes non-negotiable.
Rather than re-evaluating opinions the exercise becomes rearranging prejudices.
Seeking existential comfort because change is stressful.